The First Annual Goffles

Welcome all to the First Annual Goffles! It would have been better to gather the GOFFL’s family and friends for a night of celebration at a local Chili’s fine-dining establishment, but some people are just a little to cheap to pay for their own flights back into town, so I will award them on the blog and your trophies adorned with assorted sports characters will be on their way shortly.

Winner: The “My Girlfriend is Running My Team” Goffle --- Kiwon Joh
I mean I’m glad she liked meeting all of us at the draft and really did want to hang around and provide the during-draft entertainment, but was she making your picks for you and subsequently managing your roster? They (not he) inexplicably still had roster spots filled, until a day ago, by Earnest Graham (3 for17yds) and Deion Branch (2rec for 13 yards). Sadly folks, those aren’t stat lines from a bad week 3, they’re for the 1st three weeks. They nearly pulled a Crazy this past week by starting an inactive player, only to be saved by an anonymous tip 10minutes before gametime. Apparently he/she did go to the effort of checking his/her roster the day before…that’s reassuring to hear. Editor’s Note: Someone leaked this story and P.O.D. finally dropped Branch for some more Rice….Is it a coincidence that this squad has two players named Rice and is managed by Asians? Tell your lady that taking players based on food preferences is not usually the best strategy, nor is the Cowboys and indians D/ST motif.

Also nominated for: The “No Mom, They Don’t Want Any Ice Cream” Goffle and The “Gaysian McD’s Combo Meal: McGahee with Double Rice” Goffle (It’s a stretch, but also a better fantasy name than POD)

Winner: The “Milton Bradley of the GOFFL” Goffle --- Crazy Jon
Crazy has once again taken on the ‘him against the world of GOFFL’ attitude, and has rightfully incurred league wide harassment thanks to his general outlook on fantasy life. He cries to the blog that no one is entertaining him, and then he himself posts an uninspiring human interest piece that I would expect from a female sideline reporter on the Big10 Network. He cries wolf on the anonymous tip sent to his opponent Kiwon, while he himself has received similar last-minute, top secret offerings from a source known only as “The Good Samaritan.” When one of Crazy’s called home-run shots finally hits, will he get into a shouting match with a fan… Hey Milton, that your first home run?

Also nominated for: The “Back…Back…Back…Back…Caught” Goffle

Winner: The “I’m the New Vance” Goffle --- Andrew Mugica
Life in the lowly GOFFL just doesn’t compare to wild life in the Big Apple. For a city that claims to compete with The Gizz’s sleeping habits, you’d think its residents would find more time to manage fantasy squads. I’m not sure if there is a $10,000 entry WSOFF Champions League that consuming all his time, but Mugica sure has expressed that the GOFFL’s demanding contest selection process is a major burden and inconvenience on his weekly routine of sexing the city with his girlfriend over a couple tasty cosmos or maybe her multiple-day birthday celebration is still ongoing. He also now carries Vance’s torch of thinking it’s preposterous to pay for acquisitions, as exemplified by him still carrying the Titans DST, who flirt with negative points weekly. I might be afraid of some backlash after saying he’s as good as a blacklisted former league member, but in keeping with the Vance-isms, it’s not like he reads the blog or posts on it or even knows the web address.

Also nominated for: The “Gmail Message Political Humor Means I’m Smarter than You” Goffle

Winner: The “Nobody Gives a Shit about Your Other Leagues” Goffle --- Steve True
I don’t know about you, but the first thing I do on Tuesday mornings is run to check Steve’s status update of his cumulative 5-league fantasy record. Man, Steve, you must be soooo proud of your ff skills because you’re 13-2. Now when you consider one league has a 9:1 f:m ratio, another has the most screwy points system known to mankind (something about pts for jersey numbers or camera close-ups), he had the #1 pick in 4/5 leagues and he competes against leagues full of people who draft kicker in the 6th to fill out their rosters, you might start to question how he even has 2 losses. The only thing Steve’s other leagues have been good for is a hearty laugh: Not long ago, Steve came to me super excited about a “great” trade he engineered with his gf. (sidebar: is it pronounced giff? is this now acceptable nomenclature?) After hearing the deal I told Steve he shouldn’t be taking advantage of girls. Turns out, she took him to the cleaners, leaving an embarrassed Steve trying to defend his move to me, then claiming he did it on purpose to score marital points…nice try Steve.

Also nominated for: The “Even Girls and ISU Grads Can Luck into a Legit Fantasy Squad” Goffle and The “Nobody Starting 4-0 Has Ever Won the GOFFL” Goffle

Winner: The “5pm Free Top Waiver Priority Giveaway” Goffle --- Aaron Smith
Just when I thought you/anybody couldn’t possibly be any dumber…and by this, I refer to Steve’s brilliant move last year using his top waiver claim to pick up Jamarcus Russell. If he got shit for that, then open up the mud flaps for this one. While other Gofflites are placing claims on high-potential RBs in new starting gigs, the Neckbeards are spending the #1 (after Steve claimed Coffee) waiver priority on a bye week replacement kicker! Good thing you did because the demand for a player coming off a 1pt explosion is bound to get scooped up in free agency early Wednesday morning while you’re still tucked in your airplane-shaped bed (that is where you got the nickname right?). I mean I might have to consider trading you the former Neckbeard himself for your budding kicking sensation, Ryan Lindell (this does not constitute a formal trade offer –The Office of the Commissioner). I look forward to the acceptance speech on this one…how many beers is too many?

Also nominated for: The “Nice Wax Job Rook” Goffle and The “My Fantasy Games Get Blacked Out Too” Goffle

Winner: The “Don’t Worry, I’m Still Alive” Goffle --- Andrew Halbert
After the GOFFL Draft, the mysterious Halbert vanished into a thick fog of bong hits. Weeks passed and many began to worry. Search parties were sent to his bungalow, but with visibility poor and critical thinking abilities impaired, the mystery of his disappearance went unsolved. All evidence pointed to him skipping town to avoid a bookie collecting Canadian debts. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a Halbert and all the necessary bong-chonging gear. Only now after three solid Percy Harvin performances is it safe for him to emerge from the bong sanctuary and bask in the glory of his ‘I told you so’s.’ While 90% of what this guy does may not make sense to us lay people, he has a treasure trove of fantasy wildcards shoved up his ace for his next run at a title. He’s back from wherever it is he was and he’s ready to unleash the fury.

Also nominated for: The “My Reputation Proceeds Me (3 Times in the Paragraph Above)” Goffle and The “You got my money? Oh that’s funny, I could have sworn I said to have it today” Goffle and The “Two-Headed Ghost of WP” Goffle

Winner: The “What Exactly Are Waivers?” Goffle --- Mike VanderVelde
Vande has adopted the laissez-faire approach to the GOFFL this year…make no moves, do nothing to his team, and quietly work his way up the waiver order and pray he’s still in the race when that must-have pickup becomes available (Or he doesn’t know what waivers are and has missed that boat for the past 3 years). Most likely though, he’s playing for a high draft pick next year…shhhh, don’t tell him. Either way, he’s 0-3 (with a 1st win pending), and looks to be packing it in and saving his free agent money to pimp his new ride, run away with Halbert or expand the tour bus biz.

Also nominated for: The “Need a Bus for the Fantasy Draft?” Goffle and The “Two-Headed Ghost of WP” Goffle

Winner: The “I Act Like I Put Them in Their Place” Goffle --- Adam Roscher
On the surface Rosch may get the closest thing to a positive Goffle, however as we dig a little deeper, we see what’s really going on here. For those of you who may not know, Rosch is all hot and heavy with a classy southern broad. I really thought he had it together when he laid down the law of football season and told her she couldn’t join him for the draft weekend (Cough…Kiwon). However, when I recently had the pleasure of meeting the giff, I skipped the small talk and went straight for the dirt. Turns out, he had a sitdown with her where they “negotiated a settlement” in exchange for the man-weekend, with one small part of it being him “taking it easy/not drinking all day” and “not doing anything stupid” while at the draft --- hence that whole shady not drinking ‘til the 6th round nonsense…guess she doesn’t yet know what he’s capable of. Vande’s toilet and a Wicker Park watering hole can’t claim the same (something about Adam foaming at the mouth, beating his chest and making people punch him…I don’t know, we were off at a hot dice game and later found him curled up next to the crapper). Also, let’s hope she doesn’t keep tabs on the GOFFL blog, because it censors itself for no one. (Disclaimer: none of these stories can be verified – substances were abused, liberties were taken with the story telling)

Also nominated for: The “P90X Completely Transformed My Fantasy Teams” Goffle

Winner: The “Girls Don’t Care About How Many Stars Some 18-year old from Dubuque Has” Goffle --- William Edwards
If Bill were to spend a fraction of the time he spends looking at pictures and bios of buff high school boys (“recruiting” as he likes to call it), he could have potentially found time to research a little thing known as ADP and we wouldn’t have had to witness that train wreck of a draft. One mistake could have been drafting third-string NFL RBs only because of the school affiliation and carrying them for 3 weeks (0 touches), only to cut them when they finally get involved in the offense. Then there’s the James Davis experiment, which if it weren’t for his recent season-ender, Bill might be clinging onto that life raft all season. Maybe we were blinded by the eclipse (Crazy’s annual homerun pick) in years past that we didn’t see Bill doing the exact same thing – Braylon in the 3rd? AGonz in the 4th? Must be something in the water in Iowa that makes them long for just one moment of glory over the Illinoisans. The ownership/playing of a Lions backup RB is another issue altogether.

Also nominated for: The “I’m The New Crazy” Goffle and The “I Can’t Believe People Trust Me with Their Money” Goffle

Winner: The “Quick, My Wife’s Not Looking, Let Me Cannonball that Bong Rip and Snort a Line Off that Stripper’s Ass” Goffle --- Matthew Karalis
While he must be commended for his cavalier sans-wife lifestyle, you most likely all have had the privilege of seeing Matt run in the other room with his tail between his legs to take her calls. This is what all men strive not to be, but then they get married, and inevitably they became scared puppies who seek their masters approval. However, many of you need to take notes on how well he manages his 7 leagues and still wife-pleases. This guy uses every possible opportunity to check a roto report…long trips to the crapper, the hour-long eternity that is Grey’s, while driving to do errands he “volunteered” for, when he goes to “work”, mid-beejes (no wait…he’s married, those don’t happen anymore – Halbert get ‘em while the getting’s good). However, he seems more concerned about collecting pocket change from a fictional Greek Oaks fantasy basketball league than avoided another losing season in a Green Oaks league that actually matters.

Also nominated for: The “Is That a Hickey or Did She Make You Wear the Choke Collar Again?” Goffle and The “Wait, My 17 Pickups in the First 4 Weeks Aren’t Free?” Goffle

Winner: The “If Only 4 Games Translated to a Championship” Goffle – Michael Anderson
He’s earned a reputation as a perennial regular season stud, but when it comes time for the playoffs, that annual top-3 total points finish is nowhere to be found. A 4-0 start this year will undoubtedly lead down the same road to another 4th place finish. Now I’ve heard rumblings that he’s made his way into this so-called “champions” league. I don’t know what “champions” means? Or if my invite got lost in the mail? But don’t you have to win a league to be considered for this? Maybe it’s a support league for those with gambling problems, where, no matter what your record is, everyone’s a champion! As a rule, I believe any further mention of this sham of a league will result in deducting a win in the GOFFL. When Ande’s season inevitably goes to shit in the playoffs, he can always resort to his fallback: calling out some unwritten loophole in the rules just to ruffle the commish’s feathers and give him an ulcer by age 30.

Also nominated for: The “Toph Says ______” Goffle and The “Degenerate Special” Goffle

Winner: The “Good Good Day” Goffle --- Patrick Gizz (The Goffles for the Commish were presented by Matthew Karalis)

Gizz, Gizz, Gizz, what hath the man juice brought to the GOFFL this season? Why I’ll tell you:
-Firm, strong hammer dropped on Crazynold McFadden (Yes, he creates a union of marriage with his “breakout, sleeper, upside” players) for the trade offer that was accepted, then revoked, then enforced. If only all commissioners could prevent shenanigans in respective leagues.

-Providing a proper organization of draft date, time, food, etc. and the general proceedings running smoothly

-Creating an excellently color-coded spreadsheet for the WFPECCCC

-Designing a large draft board for all owners viewing pleas……SCREEECH….

Hold on a sec, son of a Travis Henry, his Gizzness does not get left off in all his glory….

Winner: The “Bad Bad Day” Goffle ---Patrick Gizz
You sit high atop your mighty throne of commissioning with your large behemoth of a dog nearby dictating rules and code violations of the GOFFL, but what of the violations you have brought to the league. Could it be that the all-powerful, fantasy guru, obsessive, compulsive, insomniatic Gizzerton has angered the Fantasy Football Gods? Why yes, and please allow me to count the ways….

-No one prepares draft boards on poster board – Not flexible enough to stuff in pocket, Gizz is the only GOFFL member that owns rubber cement, 800 sharpies of 30 different colors (he scribed a letter to the Sharpie CEO to create a yellow that is easier on the eyes, and is still awaiting their response) and a T Square.

-Do not awake the hungover members of the GOFFL with rampant text messages and phone calls because Wes Welker is Questionable, allow owners to do their own work/homework……

-Does a Fantasy Football owner force-feed fantasy analysis/knowledge to their Girlfriend, Female Roommate, Fuck Buddyette, Girl that hangs around and takes the dog out and has no commitment to a relationship at all, but is secretly plotting a strategy to trick the Commish into marrying her.

-Does a proper owner spurn a city with sports bars as far as the eye can see with giant projectors and 45 televisions that all have Sunday Ticket?

If only thine Commish’s eyes could be opened to the finer things in life and not draft receivers in the first round and rely fantasy hopes on the likes of Devin Hester and Devery “Bomb every other Game” Henderson, then maybe, the most pristine fantasy owner could be borned into the world.

Also nominated for: The “My Contacts Are Bothering Me” Goffle and The “As Long As Crazy Knows I Know More Than Him About FF, I Can Sleep At Night” Goffle

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Thank you brojobs for tuning in. Please post your acceptance speeches promptly.