THE LONG AWAITED PRE-OPENING SUNDAY KICKOFF POWER RANKINGS

Get out the popcorn, you’re in for a ride on the Delorian:

As most of you know, these power rankings are clearly the best analytical and statistical breakdown that can be found anywhere in the greater Green Oaks area, encompassing factors so trivial, you probably couldn’t dream of comprehending them in your lifetime or the next….Ask yourself: do you know which turf-toe is the most statistically devastating of all turf-toes? If you said it was the little piggy that cried wee-wee-wee all the way to the fantasy cellar, well you two cry all you want down there together….flaggots.

So when Crazy comes crying to you over a RBV about how Gizz thinks he’s the most superior fantasy being, just take a minute to understand the man that Gizz was born to become:

A one-time competent and perennially dominant fantasy force, Michael “M-Gizz” Gzehoviak, imparted his other-worldly wisdom upon his then infant son, along with the recommended daily dose of Sportscenter. Over the years, he learned his son in the ways of the storied Run & Shoot Warren Moon-led oil-monopoly, to the pre-Ocho Cinco touchdown shenanigans of Icky Woods, to the first RBBC, KC’s Christian Okoye & Barry Word. At the age of 7, the teacher initiated the pupil into a grown-up world of drunken fantasy drafting littered with vulgarity, racial slurs, and unbridled wife-hatred. The young Gizz took it all in, eagerly learning the ways of the sacrificial trading of a chore-laden/wife-slaving Saturday for a hard-earned Sunday kicked off with prayer to the fantasy gods, followed by a day in front of constantly changing games, barely able to yell “Pick’em Up!” with a mouthful of hors d-oeuvres from Linda’s Ristorante, conveniently located 15 feet away in the kitchen. Ah Gratzi! The child’s life reached a crossroads when special parent-teacher conferences were scheduled to address a situation involving a 1st-grader’s fully-illustrated tale of family-supported sports gambling. M-Gizz knew there was no turning back, so he encouraged his son to spend school hours calculating mathematically-driven power rankings instead of impractical algebraic problems involving trains meeting at some mystical point. The only “Train” or “Bus” acceptable in this kid’s vocabulary would be ones wearing shoulder pads named Thomas or Bettis. Teacher complaints continued to file in with reports that the young Gizz would often be caught doodling hypothetical trades or be flipping through dirty magazines analyzing team schedules. For those veterans lucky enough to have ever glimpsed the journalistic stylings of this young buck, you probably will never see days comparable to those. Cherish those memories. The days of the 27-page playoff programs, which were often sold to non-league members for 20% off the cover price, are dead, but the spirit lives on inside the Gizz. Once a frail 100lb beanstalk capable of being injured by a feather, this one blossomed into a full-fledged, self-pronounced fantasy guru.

Some wise words: “Crazy, while you were taking ice cream scoops out of your brain, Gizz was taking scoops from the free agency bucket, anointing himself the king of the one-week-wonder-pickups. Ask around, I guarantee somebody you know has been demoralized by one of Gizz’s magic tricks. He will not hesitate to pull 3 Arlen Harris TD’s out of his ass purely for devastational purposes.”

The fact that only about 3 of you even have a clue who that is, says you need to respect your elders and take their criticism and put it under your pillow at night, hoping you wake up with a chance in hell to win the Tom Adams trophy.

Let’s just all sit back for a minute when the inevitable Crazy defensive rant comes barreling in, and realize that Crazy wasn’t even out of diapers before Gizz was calling the shots on multiple fantasy championships…now Crazy being in diapers ‘til 8 is another story for another time.

Those are my qualifications for demolishing what little confidence you all had in your teams.

12. Lovie’s Stool Peanuts
Crazy:Fantasy Football, Rob Deer:Real Baseball…He is all about the big homerun (still thinks chicks dig the longball…so 90’s), but more often than not, he’s left scratching his head as the ball is thrown around the horn. This year, more of the same: With injury risk, yet stud APete already in the stable, Crazy swung for the fences again with McFadden (hoping to snag the new AD every year), passing up McGahee, Jacobs, Maroney, FWP. He has three players who will need to score 60pts/wk to compete (Romo, APete, Gates – 2 of which are injury risks). His starting WRs (Jennings, Re.Brown, A.Gonzalez) wouldn’t crack the starting lineups on half the teams in the league. His bench consists of players who should not have left the waiver pool all season (i.e. Moose, Laurent Robinson). He has no RB help other than Fargas, who is essentially useless because of the RBBC. After all the talk of showcasing a new Jon Iwert, I am left with the figurative set of fantasy blue balls. And the attempted Ryan Torrian pick; you are lucky your ruler pitied you…drafting an injured player, come on Crazy. Let’s check the fantasy faux pas at the door and realize that you are in step 3 of the program for fantasy novices: denial

11. Illegal Touchin’ Downfield
Okay maybe I was a little harsh on Crazy, but Steven can take it. He’s a gold digger where the creek’s gone dry. Are you aware he’s carrying four 49ers? Unless Montana, Rice, Taylor, and Craig unretired and found the fountain of youth, there is no acceptable explanation for it. He has two decent backs in Gore & MJD, but has no viable backup, and with MJD never cracking 15 carries in a game, he’s in for some quiet weeks. Plaxico, Roy, Marvin, and Donald make up for the overpayment on MJD, but his team is in shambles due to his drunken mishap - forgetting to draft a QB. Rivers & O’Sullivan…shakin’ in my boots. In Round 10, he passed up his beloved Favre. Now that’s a fan!

10. Shock’s Crotchless Jock
Expecting Vance to follow-suit with last year’s QB-WR at the turn was K-Ral’s first mistake. After watching Portis & LJ fall, he was forced to take Grant, from there his draft plan crumbled to pieces. He was able to get James as his #3RB behind Grant/Bush, one of only 4 teams to be in good shape at that 3rd slot. He however proceeded to overspend on McNabb, Mason, Scheffler, Bruce, A.Green, & V.Young. There appear to be a lot of questions surrounding his team, but TO, Holt may be able to piece together a few wins.

9. Telluride Patriots
Vance went safe this year to open the draft with RB-RB. However, his team may be the victim of having the 12th pick. He has no viable superstar, no top tier anything, and abused the handcuff concept. I do commend his S.Young pick, but think with Cutler, V.Davis, and the Texans defense, the extra points needed to make up for the lacking star power, will not be there.

8. Mansi Shah …Gilley?
The first semblances of a fantasy team start to shine through with Vande’s team. D.Anderson had better live up to the hype, or T.Edwards/freeagent-of-choice will be leading the Industries. Unproven backs Lynch and Graham are all he has. The reserves for this conglomerate are all fighting to be #2 RBs on their teams (Bradshaw, Dunn, Jordan). The saving grace should be Wayne, Ca.Johnson, Coles, Crayton, along with the NE’s non-offensive units. If Calvin pulls a Randy, Vande may be dandy!

7. Toucans of Whoopass
After being gifted Westy in the 1st round (by Rosch/Mugica), Ande then put together a solid core with Manning, OchoCinco, B.Marshall (who was another gift from Rosch as Ande had forgotten about him). In Rd6, his selection of Shockey made him miss on solid #3 RBs, which he failed to nab later (left with backups/#3’s – Rudi, Felix, A.Hall, Buckhalter). His frantic decision making process in the 2nd half of the draft was painful to watch. I am hoping that Anderson is not becoming the new Likens, with his yearly Rd1/2 QB pick and a slew of Broncos, only to win total points and crap out in the playoffs.

6. The Butcher’s Insurance Men
Okay…Bill has changed names three teams. Is somebody gonna ring him up & tell him to grab pine? With R.Moss, 2 steady RBs (Jamla & TJ), and Palmer, he has a solid core, but admittedly he boofed by drafted Gonzo in the 5th when a plethora of #2 WR options were there. Vande did this last year in lieu of taking M.Barber (and they also both took Randy, Chet and Nate). Will this missed pick cost him a championship or is Bill shooting for a conference championship game letdown? Set your sights high Willy. Bill’s emotional pick of the draft: his dream blunt-sharer Ricky Williams. A great #4RB, giving Bill one of the more respectable benches in the GOFFL.

5. Powerhouse of Deliverance
Yet another name changer in our midst. The powerhouse lacked power and didn’t deliver last year, but this year’s squad may be different. Bill’s 3rd grade boy crush, Marion Barber, will be the cornerstone of Kiwon’s playoff run. FWP should improve on his 2TD total last year even with certain stellar RB additions. Braylon, Dwayne and Roddy should provide enough pop for the time being, but the right waiver move could mean AFC title for the little guy. Hasselbeck/Bulger, Dallas Clark (another on Bill’s list of guy’s he’d blow if he had the chance) and the Seahawks defense should keep Kiwon in the hunt all year.

4. Sexy Librarians…FROM HELL!!
Halbert…high up on the shit list for lacking participation, will try his law school excuse…not cuttin’ it – a story is needed/some explanation of this name. His approach this year of waiting on QB, may have paid off with stars elsewhere. LT, Housh, S.Smith & Witten could carry this team all year. Did he learn from his Leinart pick last year? No, he was bailed out by someone handing him a QB & a championship (who would do that?). Okay fine, here it goes: I was distraught by the loss of Travis Henry as my chong-along and was dooped into trading Brees for a dead parakeet. Props to Halb on his late round selections though and sticking with us til the finish: at least someone had a clue after rd9 (oh yea, he was probably the only sober participant). Bottom line: He has stars, if his sleeper Schaub hits and stays healthy, the trophy will go through Halbertville.

3. FUCK…My mom’s home!!!
A quietly solid team that resembles Gizz’s championship teams of old. SJax, Fitzy, and Brees are the stars. Turner/Perry & Cotchery should fill in as nice starting roll players. If Gizz can find a solid #3 WR (Berrian, Branch, usual FA pickup), this team won’t have many holes. And the team name just gives some much needed Karma. Gizz is banking on SJax to return to his 2006 form, if this happens, it’ll be a tough team to beat. If this team suffers a wk1 defeat at the hands of the original badboys of the GOFFL, the Stool Peanuts, there is no telling if Gizz will spiral off into the cloudy depths of a Halbert-esque addiction (to uphold the law?)

2. Front Yard Election Signs
Brady, AJ, Winslow, Chargers are all top tier at their positions. If Jacobs & McGahee can stay healthy (which seems unlikely), then we should have another top notch team competing in the NFC. The excellent addition of Warner should be used to acquire a solid backup RB, as DeAngelo and Slaton have upside, but are not guaranteed carries. With AJ, Burleson and Galloway, help may be needed at WR, as his backup selections resembled a random selection from a hat (Hester, RandelEl, Bryant). But either way, a good squad with a great name referencing the election of the greatest mayor GO has ever seen.

1. Man Boobs
Despite having just about every targeted player drafted directly before him (AJ, Brees, Marshall, O.Daniels), Rosch still managed to field the best team in the league. Big Ben and Eli are a great combo. Addai is steady as they come, barring 3 weeks off at the end of the season, and along with Maroney/Jo.Stewart/Kev.Smith, they give Roscher one of the top 2 backfields. Colston and Boldin will be every week starters, and if Bennett/De.Jackson/Porter can serve as a #3, this team will be stacked. His option of the Cowboys & Steelers should prove great for playing weekly matchups. Gonna be a tough team to contend with.


I believe I have managed to piss off all of you not named Roscher, but keep in mind, your commissioner and your league loves you. You are all valued members of this league, and I want you to know I have appreciated your very generous contributions to my gambling winnings the past two years.