The Un-Bearable Season

Here is the annual Bears Prediction Blog! As the above bear must feel embearassed to be highlighted on the GOFFL Official Blog, he suits the possibility of an embearassing season. Two years removed from a Super Bowl, we are entering the season with more questions marks than Crazy's Draft Board or Steve's choice of bar clothing. Kyle Orton at the helm with his neck forest should be able to lead us to somebwhere beartween 0 and 5 victories, but hey, it could be worse. Somehow though, that bearshit rationale of a Chicago Brain makes you feel like we can somehow bearly make the playoffs. I figured I would leave the format fairly simple for the Iowa Grads covering Record, Team MVB, Defensive Bear of the Year, Offensive Bear of the Year, Biggest Surprise, Needs for Next Year and Chick that Urlacher should do cause he can:

Record: 9-7

Team MVB: Tommie Harris (leading team in sacks and forced fumbles, Tommie single handedly wins us 4 out of the last 5 with a masterful line against the Jags: 6 Tkl., 2 sk, 1 FF)

Defensive: Danieal Manning (the good Manning makes us realize why Ricky is only good for fighting racism) D-Man returns two kicks for TD's, rips down 5 picks and amasses pass deflections in several key moments of the season

Offensive: Sexy : Coming in after a week 5 blowout in Ford Field and leading the Bears to an unthinkable 7-4 record in the final 11 games, he finishes the season with 6 more Td's than Picks

Surprise: Kevin Jones and Matt Forte become the 5th best rushing committee in the NFL behind a rejouvenated O-line and hammer out a combined 18 TD's between them


Needs for next season:

• Tim Tebow
• New Cheerleaders called the Care Bears with Tambeareens
• Earl Bennett being good
• Walter Payton
• Vontae Davis
• Cheaper Beers at the game if we don't win more than 4 games

Chick Urlacher should 'cause he can
Oh yeah, and the Packers are gay...

Crazy's Draft Strategy

Well, it was close, but once again we are all "lucky" enough to experience another season with Crazy Iwert. I caught up with Iwert last weekend when I was back in Chicago and got a peek under the tent to see what his draft strategy will be this weekend.

1)

And there you have it. Crazy is coming into the draft as prepared as ever. Crazy- here is some fantasy advice for you being the novice you are:

1) Draft kickers early and often. Kickers are amongst the most consistent scorers on your fantasy team, so it is important to draft the best kicker you can. Also, ensure you get a backup kicker just in case your #1 has a down year.

2) Wait on getting a RB. Almost every team uses multiple RBs in a running back by committee approach these days so there is plenty of value out there later. All you need is someone who gets carries- carries lead to TDs.

3) The pre-season is indicative of what the regular season will be like. Both teams have countless players trying to make the team, so you know everyone is trying their hardest- why do you think people get hurt in the pre-season- because they aren't trying their ass off? Hopefully you saw the Bears-Seahawks because Justin Forsett could be a top tier RB this year.

4) Always trust the pre-season rankings by gurus. As you've heard from Vance, Yahoo! is by far and away the best fantasy football site on the net. Luckily, they publish their player rankings for free, so it is a great opportunity to use these rankings in your drafts.

5) Forget bye weeks- if your players can't play, they can't score. Bye weeks are meaningless in fantasy football.

6) Take a QB and RB on the same team. That way, when the team scores a lot of points, you are guaranteed to score a lot too.

7) Draft a back-up TE. There is no such thing as too much depth.

8) There is no such thing as injury prone players. All players start out the seasons as healthy as Steven's nose pre-Marci Powers right hook, so all injuries are independent of one another.

There you have it. Crazy, you are primed for first place.

Really?

As an outsider (it's true that I did not grow up in one of the finest cities in Illinois - oh wait I did... Chicago) I decided to do a little research on my own. According to CNNMoney.com 2007 Libertyville was ranked as the nicest place to live in Illinois but it is hard to respect these rankings when the fine cities of Lisle and South Elgin rank #2 and #3 respectively. Comparing Green Oaks (pictured top right) to Libertyville is like comparing Bridgeport to Chicago.

"Green Oaks' residents are not considered as refined as Libertyville's, there are a lot of shadey people that live there. I had the pleasure of coaching some of the young men of the GOFFL back in 2002 and they were nothing but a bunch of pussies who couldn't get laid even if they were in prison and had a handfull of pardons." - Asst. Coach Karl Jennrich (pictured top left)

I'm glad the draft has moved to a respected city this year and to be honest it was about time. I know that I have only been part of one fantasy draft before but this is the fuckin major leagues here. I hope to win this league so that I can keep it within the city limits. I would man the helms like Lovie does for the Bears instead of Gizz who runs this league like Steve "Mongo" McMichael coaches his beloved Slaughter (a lot of trash talking, thinks he knows more about football then everybody else but in reality all anybody else hears is a guy struggling to put two coherent sentences together).

I look forward to the draft on Friday night. Since we will be in the city we SHOULD go to some skin bars (assuming Bill puts on a smile and his hetero pants) instead of in Libertyville sitting by a bonfire and playing Limp Biscuit with each other. And I'll leave you on this Jack Handey quote...

“Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.”

Fuck! My Mom's Home!

How many people have you met that are intimidated by a Korean lady? The only man I have come across with such a fear is The GOFFL'S own Kiwon Joh. One must assume for every Taco Bell order or massive feast prepared for his buddies Kiwon paid the price later. Why else would he be so adamantly opposed to the service of food by his Mother? Perhaps for every grande meal purchased he was forced to spend an hour with his nose directly behind Cody's anus. This would help explain his sudden outburst on that fateful evening after a McDonald's run. We pulled up into the long, dark, sketchy driveway in the wee hours of the morning after a BC and alcohol consumption. A light was shining in the bedroom upstairs and Kiwon's instinctive reaction was to belt out "FUCK! MY MOM'S HOME!" If the wrath of LGz was waiting around the corner, this reaction could easily be explained but Yung Mi....come on Kiwon....

Team Names (Worst to First)

As always I find it very necessary to judge everyone's team names. It is pretty much everyone in the leagues attempt at humor. So if they refuse to post in this blog we can atleast see it come out on the league page.

If anyone has a serious team name then that should be a serious consideration for removal from the league.

Ranking the team names (worst to first):

12. Wegher Davis and Cotton Inc. - Balls, an NFL FFL has no place for mention of anything college football related. Let alone to a team that will be lucky to finish in the top 5 of the Big Ten this year. Also, the cleverness of trying to take two players names and a bowl game and make it a company or something is just silly. 'Stacy Fergison and Kids Inc.' would be better (Disney Channel reference)

11,10,9. Team 'Last Name' - Oh the classic default. Would be so much cooler if the last name's were adjectives (Steve True reference). So far can't rip apart these names because I assume they will be changed. Let's just hope we don't see a Toucans of Whoopass. Oh and all better than Balls.

8. Telluride Patriots - Vance, so you like to ski and you like the Patriots? Am I missing something here? What did I say about serious team names? Why not something like Steamboat Die Hards or Vail Celtics? Just reiterates your fairweather fandom. (See Rockies hat).

7. Vandelay Industries - Vande, classic reference. I am proud to say I was there to hear Ms. Willbond say it, however it may be time to hang it from the rafters.

6. Bump Dirties - JKwon, I don't know what to make of this. Is this a drug reference or a sexual reference. Is it an inside joke with your NYC Korean friends? Get back to me. You know people say it is not as funny if you try to dissect it, but this was just never funny in the first place.

5. Shock's Crotchless Jock - Karalis, I respect the reference to the tight end that has been a staple on my fantasy teams over the year's. Also, a reference to anything crotchless, even if filling that crotchless gap is a male genitalia, deserves originality points.

4. Illegal Touchin Downfield - True, points for pun. Points for football reference. Points for vagina reference. Points for statuatory reference. Negative points for grammer. Fucking ESPN.

3. Lovie's Stool Peanuts - Crazy, you were kicked out and then reinstated and you had to come up with something good. My biased hatred for Lovie Smith and just picturing his bloody anus after shitting out full peanuts makes me laugh. Originality, locality and football points.

2. Man Boobs - Roscher, If you can't laugh at yourself then what can you laugh at?

1. FUCK... My mom's home - Gizz, as soon as I was asked if I remembered this occurence I burst out in laughter, then once I heard it was a team name I had respect for it. Pretty much anytime Kiwon flips out it makes me laugh. Especially regarding his mother. Does anyone remember him not lettting his Mom take us to Taco Bell? What was that all about. Kiwon, you better get Young Mi to buy me Taco Bell. So this is #1 because it is an inside reference that I actually get.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE AND I AM PSYCHED FOR THE 22ND.

Bears Unveil New Look-Like-Shit Offense

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bears_unveil_new_look_like

I guess The Onion has run out of bogus news ideas and now is reporting the truth... Who knew they were a credible news source?!

Lottery Results

As the VP of Ethics and Compliance I am currently overseeing the GOFFL Lottery. I have verified the inclusion of 12 separate names in the hat. The hat is now sitting on the table as we wait for Anderson's arrival. Let the games begin....starting with the 12th pick:

12 - Vance
11 - Karalis
10 - Steven
9 - Vande
8 - Bill
7 - Kiwon
6- Anderson
5 - Mugica
4 - Rosch
3 - Gizz
2 - Crazy
1 - Halbert

Let the analysis begin...good luck to all!

My Two Guaranteed Pre-Draft Predictions

1. Every post I make this year will contain a reference to Marci Powers
2. After going to the post-draft strip club, Kiwon will go nuts, fuck a stripper, and wake up in the morning regretting his decision as he pisses out soft serve ice cream**

**and Bill will get angry at Kiwon for stealing his woman because she was "really into him"

Draft Night 2k8

First and foremost, the Van Diesel has entered the premises- large, in charge, and ready to abuse substances (yes, food counts).

More importantly, I am highly anticipating GOFFL draft night 2k8; I can only hope that it will live up to the drafts of the preceding two years. I would like to take this time to review the occurrences of these two special nights, but as I begin to think back, I really just can't remember a whole lot. What I do remember from 2006 is having 12-14 16 oz. Bud Lites at Buffalo Wild Wings and repeatedly responding to Mr. Gizz's Matt Jones trade proposals by saying "Matt Who? Matt Joooooones." After the BWW departure is when things get really hazy, and the only two things I recall are 1.) dancing on top of a pickup truck in the Grill 21 parking lot with Steven and 2.) dropping and shattering my bottle of beer at Mickey Finn's and watching Kevin Wall come over and sweep it up. This night was really only truly capped off the next morning/afternoon when I woke up only to realize that I had left three different credit/debit cards at three different establishments. Needless to say, these were not fun trips back to the bars. Moving on to the 2007 draft, I don't have quite as wasted memories, but a couple stick out in my mind. First of all, the food was just fantastic- compliments to whoever made all that shit that I managed to inhale in a garbage disposal-esque manner within minutes of it hitting the table and being uncovered. Moving on, Chicago Mike was a nice touch, but it by no means compared to Steven puking in the cab on the way back to Bill's house and then abruptly jumping out the door and subsequently passing out in a ditch for a period of time. However, even THIS did not compare to Bill's tirade which he unloaded on the poor, helpless Pakistani cab driver who tried to charge us a $75 cleaning fee (fair in my opinion). Let's just say this night was capped off by a nice dip in Steven's hot tub; oh, whoops, did Steven even know that?

All in all, two fantastic GOFFL drafts under my belt- I have high hopes for 2k8 to live up to the legacy. Challah, Shalom, and Good Luck.

You kids these days

Blogging...I don't really know what that means or what i'm doing. So hello for now. Matty K-Ral will be inviting you all to join the blog, and I hope you all can contribute this year ... Please jump on with a new post/blog or a comment to verify you have access and your trash talking will be in full force

Blog Launch

Hello everyone, welcome to the Virgin GOFFL Blog that hopefully will be a good substitute for the only usefulness of the FOX Sports Fantasy website....posting news stories, comments, etc. The site has multiple options and I am fairly new at the blogging world, so any input on how to improve the page is greatly appreciated. I am pretty sure everyone has access to add, edit and make changes to the website so feel free, but post at your own risk because as the past has proven, criticism is not lacking in the GOFFL. Let's all try and not lead our team's like this man.