True Updated Power Rankings Week 8:

Sorry for missing a week guys. I was out of commission out o-n the West coast for a week and a half in San Diego and Vegas. (That's my way of telling you I'm awesome!)

Anyways, The Power Rankings are back this week and guess who's back at that #1 spot?


1. Mike Vick in a Box Baby! (True) 6-1 How sweet it is. You gotta beat the #1 to be the #1. I have now done that twice. This guy performs in the clutch. Plays down to his competition though. i.e. only loss to the #12 power ranked team.

2. Stump the Schaub (Ande) 6-1 And down goes the last of the undefeated... Ande still owns the highest point total and holds a 2 game lead in the AFC. Could really use a WR though. He finds one and he locks up a spot in the championship game.

3. She can just watch us draft (Gizz) 4-3 You gotta like seeing the swirl of activity this week in the trade market. Gizz makes a move to give himself two of the top 5 receivers in the league. Kyle Orton is a legit fantasy threat. After Kevin Smith his RBs are kinda lackluster. On a two game losing streak.

4. Stable of Collies (Crazy) 4-3 On a three game winning streak. Crazy is actually looking like a legit contender. Please do something Crazy. I don't want to hear about Crazy making the playoffs this year at next years draft. Imagine if he wins... I am preparing for the rapture

5. Hurricane Ditka (Halbert) 4-3 Finds ways to win. Just finds ways to win. Aaron Rodgers NFC Offensive Player of the month. Where is your Jay Cutler now Halbert?

6. InGoreious Bastards (Edwards) 4-3 Riding a two game win streak. The team is starting to come together. Runnings Backs are studs. Tony Romo found a replacement for Owens and his WR are better after a trade for Hester. I would have given you a better WR for Hightower. Sims-walker? Boldin? Jennings? Miles Austin? Mason? All better. Should of hooked up with me.

7. Front Yard Election Signs (Mugica) 3-4 Mugica is coming out of nowhere and actually has the third highest point total in the league. Not so impressed with the Marc Bulger pickup and start at QB. I would have gone with Alex Smith. Also his WRs are pretty tears.

8. Paper Champions(Roscher) 3-4 I'm not ready to write off Roach Clip yet, especially with that solid receiving core. Mike Bell could be a TD vulture on a high scoring offense. I would start him over Bradshaw this week without question, but those types of decisions are what has Roscher at 8 instead of the preseason #1.

9. Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor (Vande) 2-5 On a two game losing streak. Poor Vande. He has the fifth most points in the league yet can't catch a break. Inconsistent. His team isn't very good.

10. Flight of the Neckbeards (Aero) 2-5 Another person who has a high point total yet can't stay consistent. Alot of that has to do with relying on Dree Brees to get you a W and starting Michael Bush at RB.

11. Five on the Yo (Karalis) 2-5 The same two round out the final two. Just god awful teams that don't deserve my commentary or justification. However, I will include another team in the conversation...I predict a Karalis upset over Gizz this week. Bold considering ESPN favors Gizz by 20.

12. Powerhouse of Deliverance (Kiwon) 2-5 Change your name from Powerhouse of Deliverance to "Squealing like a pig, like the guy from the Movie Deliverance"

SQUEAL LIKE A PIG!

True Updated Power Rankings Week 6:

Sorry guys this week has been truly hectic (no pun intended) prepping for the big annual Direct Marketing Conference so these are going to be brief and to the point.

1. Stump the Schaub (Ande) 5-0 (2) And then there was one...

2. She can just watch us draft (Gizz) 4-1 (3) Third highest point total and on a four game win streak. Matchup of the week, 1 vs. 2.

3. Mike Vick in a Box Baby! (True) 4-1 (1) Maybe if he lost to a remotely decent team and didn't have two WRs with goose eggs there could have been a way to justify the #2 spot.

4. Whispering Eyes (Vande) 2-3 (6)Moving up the ladder at a profound pace. A nearly 100 point week, the second highest point total and a healthy McNabb = dangerous.

5. Off Constantly (Roscher) 2-3 (4) Back from a conceded loss bye week he is looking to get back to .500

6. Hurricane Ditka (Halbert) 3-2 (5) Despite the loss drops only one spot cause he is the last team with a winning record and finds ways to win.

7. Flight of the Neckbeards (Aero) 2-3 (9)Puts up 87 points on a Brees bye week. One of the more underrated teams especially if Mendenhall gets the looks he has recently.

8. Forte Oz. to Freedom (Crazy) 2-3 (7) Drops a spot because Aaron impressed more in a victory and his email thread earlier this week is still fresh in peoples minds.

9. Front Yard Election Signs (Mugica) 2-3 (12) Knew I cursed myself when I put him in last place. A victory over the top team earns him the greatest jump.

10. InGoreious Bastards (Edwards) 2-3 (8)You know you're only team with a point total in the 200s? The only reason you stay in the top 10 is because your injuries you've endured. You'll get Gore back and hopefully get back competing.

11. Five on the Yo (Karalis) 1-4 (10) What can you say about this horrendous team? At least David Gerrard is playing the Rams??? I got nothin.

12. Powerhouse of Deliverance (Kiwon) 1-4 (11) Worst pick in the draft? LT. Gizz were you seriously going to pick him next? God how I wish that would of happened. Kiwon throw in the towel.

Nobody really enjoys salting the Crazy

The "All-Knowing Fantasy Genius"

This was a post from September 18th, 2008...

11. Lovie's Stool Peanuts (Prev:12)Muhsin Muhammad started for this team last week. Titans d/st inflated #s made his wk1 battle look much closer than it was. If APete plays 16 games and the Titans get 7 sacks/game, then maybe I'll move Crazy up a slot or two by season's end.

Judging by the brevity of Gizz's comment it kinda makes me think he didn't like the move. Apparently Gizz thinks Muhammad with another year getting crustier wouldn't be a bad play.

Get fuckin real... October 11, 2009 started for She Can Just Watch Us Draft... 39 Rec Yds.

Bill's Dream Girl

I suggest you get your ass to Iowa and post this classy broads bail immediately...

Definitely do-able

True Updated Power Rankings Week 5:

1. Mike Vick in a Box Baby! (True) 4-0 (1) Remains in first place after embarrassing Crazy. Had the victory locked up without having to use my #1 RB and my #1 WR, even though my #1 WR is fading fast. I retain the #1 spot having half of my wins against top 5 power ranked teams. Anderson is still nipping at that #1 spot. Being able to plug in Brett Favre on Phillip River's bye week when he is facing the Rams is a pretty nice convenience. Also, facing the last place team and lowest point scorer after four games, Mugica, I look to remain undefeated after 5 weeks.

2. Stump the Schaub (Ande) 4-0 (2) Anderson has the highest point total after four weeks, but has yet to face a team in the top five power rankings. His defense beat Bill's entire team, ENTIRE TEAM last week, which I find hysterical. Has a tough match-up against a surging Hurricane Ditka Team that continues to grow. Luckily Ande doesn't have to see Rodgers or Driver and if Eli Manning doesn't go Sunday then Anderson will be facing a free agent pickup. That is my match-up of the week. Anderson has yet to have an away game, so smoke on that knowledge.

3. She can just watch us draft (Gizz) 3-1 (4) Gizz hops up another spot and continues to look good, still only has one loss against the #1 team. Beat Roscher last week in a hard fought battle. Gates two TDs helped out in that night game. Look for him to hold down this spot with a nice match-up against Kiwon this week and a QB facing the Lions D.

4. Off Constantly (Roscher) 2-2 (3) Drops behind Gizz after a loss to him. Has the fourth highest point total in the league so sitting in fourth place makes sense. He might as well throw in the towel this week against Crazy. HE HAS 8 PLAYERS ON A BYE! I guess it is better to sacrifice one week and be strong every other bye week. Notable losses include Forte, V. Jackson, Colston, R. Bush, and Gould. He is really putting all his eggs in that Saints, Bears basket.

5. Hurricane Ditka (Halbert) 3-1 (5) Halbert proves he deserves to be in the top 5 with another victory to bring himself to 3-1. However, his opposition last week scored 34 points, which is the typical luck of the Halbert fantasy squads. Slaton is finally starting to come around makes his team dangerous. This likely will be the last week he gets Coffee being the primary ball carry in that run heavy 49ers offense. Will Halbert get the most out of it??? Who knows, that is why it is the match-up of the week.

6. Whispering Eyes (Vande) 1-3 (10) Vande finally gets his first win and after putting up 89 points in a victory jumps four spots over a couple teams that scored points in the 30s last week. Also, can you beleive Vande has the third highest points after the two undefeated teams? What goes around, comes around. Scarlett Johanson is hot. He'll get back on his feet. Not to mention, Vande finally gets McNabb back this week so his lineup is looking pretty formidable. Steve Smith (Giants) is also looking like another #1 WR for him to go hand in hand with Fitz. I also have him as a shoo-in to beat the team ranked behind him Look at the lineup Bill is putting up against Vande this week Vande will be 2-3 and maintain this coveted last playoff spot projection.

7. Forte Oz. to Freedom (Crazy) 1-3 (8) Crazy moves up a spot following a loss? How is that possible? Have you looked at Bill's lineup? The bottom half of the GOFFL this year is real ugly. Half of the teams are 1-3. Crazy don't get too excited about this ranking, it is kind of by default. MJD and Pierre Thomas are a solid RB core and they could make you competiteve, however, you are going to be struggling to get into the playoffs, like every team behind you...

8. InGoreious Bastards (Edwards) 2-2 (7) Bill is falling fast, real fast. Did you look at his starting lineup from last week!?!??! He has the second lowest point total in the league. Maurice Morris, Donald Brown started, I'll stop right there. Braylon Edwards is now learning a new offense so this upcoming match-up looks real tough.Edwards could benefit from this trade down the road so that is something to be positive about. Deangelo Williams is a second half player?? Maybe. Bill needs a distraction, hey Bill how bout them Hawkeyes!?

9. Flight of the Neckbeards (Aero) 1-3 (6) Man what a boof starting Michael Bush over Mendenhall. Not checking to see that Willie Parker was out and Mendenhall was the primary ball carrier in Pittsburgh is the type of move that gets frowned upon by the commish. I know you were out of town over the weekend but calling a friend or something might have been a good idea. Also, owning a computer instead of two tvs also might help your fantasy prowess in this league. However, your team looks good with McFadden out, Bush probably getting some carries and Mendenhall coming into his own. However, when Brees struggles so do you. Brees on a bye this week, keep your fingers crossed. Luckily you are playing...

10. Five on the Yo (Karalis) 1-3 (9) Karalis drops a spot after a loss. I get to this point in my rankings and just don't even feel like it is worth my time to talk about these teams. Steven Jackson is a great player on a terrible team, so that really hurts. However, with the amount of time they give him the ball in a game he is bound to do something soon. If I had him in my work league I would be swimming in the points, 2 points for every touch. (That was a reference to one of my other leagues, I just wanted to prove I deserved that GOFFLE to those of you who don't follow me on twitter or check my gchat status) Peyton Manning is a stud, Ochcocinco is getting TDs with Palmer back this year. I could see things possibly turning around for KRal with the weak competition in the bottom half of the GOFFL.

11. Powerhouse of Deliverance (Kiwon) 1-3 (12) Kiwon jumps a spot with his first W last week. Jay Cutler could become a solid starting Qb following the Bears bye week. Watching Tomlinson run last Sunday night was difficult. He looked like an old man, it was against a tough Steelers D though. So that is one positive takeaway. McGahee came back down to earth last week. I don't see this team making the playoffs.

12. Front Yard Election Signs (Mugica) 1-3 (11) Mugica has the least amount of points after four weeks. After losing to Kiwon he falls behind him in the power rankings. Mugica desperately needs Turner to turn on the burners in the 3/4 of the season remaining. Has a real tough matchup against the #1 team this week. Has the luck of facing Adrian Peterson when he is going up against the lowly Rams. Don't expect Mugica to relinquish this spot any time soon.

The First Annual Goffles

Welcome all to the First Annual Goffles! It would have been better to gather the GOFFL’s family and friends for a night of celebration at a local Chili’s fine-dining establishment, but some people are just a little to cheap to pay for their own flights back into town, so I will award them on the blog and your trophies adorned with assorted sports characters will be on their way shortly.

Winner: The “My Girlfriend is Running My Team” Goffle --- Kiwon Joh
I mean I’m glad she liked meeting all of us at the draft and really did want to hang around and provide the during-draft entertainment, but was she making your picks for you and subsequently managing your roster? They (not he) inexplicably still had roster spots filled, until a day ago, by Earnest Graham (3 for17yds) and Deion Branch (2rec for 13 yards). Sadly folks, those aren’t stat lines from a bad week 3, they’re for the 1st three weeks. They nearly pulled a Crazy this past week by starting an inactive player, only to be saved by an anonymous tip 10minutes before gametime. Apparently he/she did go to the effort of checking his/her roster the day before…that’s reassuring to hear. Editor’s Note: Someone leaked this story and P.O.D. finally dropped Branch for some more Rice….Is it a coincidence that this squad has two players named Rice and is managed by Asians? Tell your lady that taking players based on food preferences is not usually the best strategy, nor is the Cowboys and indians D/ST motif.

Also nominated for: The “No Mom, They Don’t Want Any Ice Cream” Goffle and The “Gaysian McD’s Combo Meal: McGahee with Double Rice” Goffle (It’s a stretch, but also a better fantasy name than POD)

Winner: The “Milton Bradley of the GOFFL” Goffle --- Crazy Jon
Crazy has once again taken on the ‘him against the world of GOFFL’ attitude, and has rightfully incurred league wide harassment thanks to his general outlook on fantasy life. He cries to the blog that no one is entertaining him, and then he himself posts an uninspiring human interest piece that I would expect from a female sideline reporter on the Big10 Network. He cries wolf on the anonymous tip sent to his opponent Kiwon, while he himself has received similar last-minute, top secret offerings from a source known only as “The Good Samaritan.” When one of Crazy’s called home-run shots finally hits, will he get into a shouting match with a fan… Hey Milton, that your first home run?

Also nominated for: The “Back…Back…Back…Back…Caught” Goffle

Winner: The “I’m the New Vance” Goffle --- Andrew Mugica
Life in the lowly GOFFL just doesn’t compare to wild life in the Big Apple. For a city that claims to compete with The Gizz’s sleeping habits, you’d think its residents would find more time to manage fantasy squads. I’m not sure if there is a $10,000 entry WSOFF Champions League that consuming all his time, but Mugica sure has expressed that the GOFFL’s demanding contest selection process is a major burden and inconvenience on his weekly routine of sexing the city with his girlfriend over a couple tasty cosmos or maybe her multiple-day birthday celebration is still ongoing. He also now carries Vance’s torch of thinking it’s preposterous to pay for acquisitions, as exemplified by him still carrying the Titans DST, who flirt with negative points weekly. I might be afraid of some backlash after saying he’s as good as a blacklisted former league member, but in keeping with the Vance-isms, it’s not like he reads the blog or posts on it or even knows the web address.

Also nominated for: The “Gmail Message Political Humor Means I’m Smarter than You” Goffle

Winner: The “Nobody Gives a Shit about Your Other Leagues” Goffle --- Steve True
I don’t know about you, but the first thing I do on Tuesday mornings is run to check Steve’s status update of his cumulative 5-league fantasy record. Man, Steve, you must be soooo proud of your ff skills because you’re 13-2. Now when you consider one league has a 9:1 f:m ratio, another has the most screwy points system known to mankind (something about pts for jersey numbers or camera close-ups), he had the #1 pick in 4/5 leagues and he competes against leagues full of people who draft kicker in the 6th to fill out their rosters, you might start to question how he even has 2 losses. The only thing Steve’s other leagues have been good for is a hearty laugh: Not long ago, Steve came to me super excited about a “great” trade he engineered with his gf. (sidebar: is it pronounced giff? is this now acceptable nomenclature?) After hearing the deal I told Steve he shouldn’t be taking advantage of girls. Turns out, she took him to the cleaners, leaving an embarrassed Steve trying to defend his move to me, then claiming he did it on purpose to score marital points…nice try Steve.

Also nominated for: The “Even Girls and ISU Grads Can Luck into a Legit Fantasy Squad” Goffle and The “Nobody Starting 4-0 Has Ever Won the GOFFL” Goffle

Winner: The “5pm Free Top Waiver Priority Giveaway” Goffle --- Aaron Smith
Just when I thought you/anybody couldn’t possibly be any dumber…and by this, I refer to Steve’s brilliant move last year using his top waiver claim to pick up Jamarcus Russell. If he got shit for that, then open up the mud flaps for this one. While other Gofflites are placing claims on high-potential RBs in new starting gigs, the Neckbeards are spending the #1 (after Steve claimed Coffee) waiver priority on a bye week replacement kicker! Good thing you did because the demand for a player coming off a 1pt explosion is bound to get scooped up in free agency early Wednesday morning while you’re still tucked in your airplane-shaped bed (that is where you got the nickname right?). I mean I might have to consider trading you the former Neckbeard himself for your budding kicking sensation, Ryan Lindell (this does not constitute a formal trade offer –The Office of the Commissioner). I look forward to the acceptance speech on this one…how many beers is too many?

Also nominated for: The “Nice Wax Job Rook” Goffle and The “My Fantasy Games Get Blacked Out Too” Goffle

Winner: The “Don’t Worry, I’m Still Alive” Goffle --- Andrew Halbert
After the GOFFL Draft, the mysterious Halbert vanished into a thick fog of bong hits. Weeks passed and many began to worry. Search parties were sent to his bungalow, but with visibility poor and critical thinking abilities impaired, the mystery of his disappearance went unsolved. All evidence pointed to him skipping town to avoid a bookie collecting Canadian debts. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a Halbert and all the necessary bong-chonging gear. Only now after three solid Percy Harvin performances is it safe for him to emerge from the bong sanctuary and bask in the glory of his ‘I told you so’s.’ While 90% of what this guy does may not make sense to us lay people, he has a treasure trove of fantasy wildcards shoved up his ace for his next run at a title. He’s back from wherever it is he was and he’s ready to unleash the fury.

Also nominated for: The “My Reputation Proceeds Me (3 Times in the Paragraph Above)” Goffle and The “You got my money? Oh that’s funny, I could have sworn I said to have it today” Goffle and The “Two-Headed Ghost of WP” Goffle

Winner: The “What Exactly Are Waivers?” Goffle --- Mike VanderVelde
Vande has adopted the laissez-faire approach to the GOFFL this year…make no moves, do nothing to his team, and quietly work his way up the waiver order and pray he’s still in the race when that must-have pickup becomes available (Or he doesn’t know what waivers are and has missed that boat for the past 3 years). Most likely though, he’s playing for a high draft pick next year…shhhh, don’t tell him. Either way, he’s 0-3 (with a 1st win pending), and looks to be packing it in and saving his free agent money to pimp his new ride, run away with Halbert or expand the tour bus biz.

Also nominated for: The “Need a Bus for the Fantasy Draft?” Goffle and The “Two-Headed Ghost of WP” Goffle

Winner: The “I Act Like I Put Them in Their Place” Goffle --- Adam Roscher
On the surface Rosch may get the closest thing to a positive Goffle, however as we dig a little deeper, we see what’s really going on here. For those of you who may not know, Rosch is all hot and heavy with a classy southern broad. I really thought he had it together when he laid down the law of football season and told her she couldn’t join him for the draft weekend (Cough…Kiwon). However, when I recently had the pleasure of meeting the giff, I skipped the small talk and went straight for the dirt. Turns out, he had a sitdown with her where they “negotiated a settlement” in exchange for the man-weekend, with one small part of it being him “taking it easy/not drinking all day” and “not doing anything stupid” while at the draft --- hence that whole shady not drinking ‘til the 6th round nonsense…guess she doesn’t yet know what he’s capable of. Vande’s toilet and a Wicker Park watering hole can’t claim the same (something about Adam foaming at the mouth, beating his chest and making people punch him…I don’t know, we were off at a hot dice game and later found him curled up next to the crapper). Also, let’s hope she doesn’t keep tabs on the GOFFL blog, because it censors itself for no one. (Disclaimer: none of these stories can be verified – substances were abused, liberties were taken with the story telling)

Also nominated for: The “P90X Completely Transformed My Fantasy Teams” Goffle

Winner: The “Girls Don’t Care About How Many Stars Some 18-year old from Dubuque Has” Goffle --- William Edwards
If Bill were to spend a fraction of the time he spends looking at pictures and bios of buff high school boys (“recruiting” as he likes to call it), he could have potentially found time to research a little thing known as ADP and we wouldn’t have had to witness that train wreck of a draft. One mistake could have been drafting third-string NFL RBs only because of the school affiliation and carrying them for 3 weeks (0 touches), only to cut them when they finally get involved in the offense. Then there’s the James Davis experiment, which if it weren’t for his recent season-ender, Bill might be clinging onto that life raft all season. Maybe we were blinded by the eclipse (Crazy’s annual homerun pick) in years past that we didn’t see Bill doing the exact same thing – Braylon in the 3rd? AGonz in the 4th? Must be something in the water in Iowa that makes them long for just one moment of glory over the Illinoisans. The ownership/playing of a Lions backup RB is another issue altogether.

Also nominated for: The “I’m The New Crazy” Goffle and The “I Can’t Believe People Trust Me with Their Money” Goffle

Winner: The “Quick, My Wife’s Not Looking, Let Me Cannonball that Bong Rip and Snort a Line Off that Stripper’s Ass” Goffle --- Matthew Karalis
While he must be commended for his cavalier sans-wife lifestyle, you most likely all have had the privilege of seeing Matt run in the other room with his tail between his legs to take her calls. This is what all men strive not to be, but then they get married, and inevitably they became scared puppies who seek their masters approval. However, many of you need to take notes on how well he manages his 7 leagues and still wife-pleases. This guy uses every possible opportunity to check a roto report…long trips to the crapper, the hour-long eternity that is Grey’s, while driving to do errands he “volunteered” for, when he goes to “work”, mid-beejes (no wait…he’s married, those don’t happen anymore – Halbert get ‘em while the getting’s good). However, he seems more concerned about collecting pocket change from a fictional Greek Oaks fantasy basketball league than avoided another losing season in a Green Oaks league that actually matters.

Also nominated for: The “Is That a Hickey or Did She Make You Wear the Choke Collar Again?” Goffle and The “Wait, My 17 Pickups in the First 4 Weeks Aren’t Free?” Goffle

Winner: The “If Only 4 Games Translated to a Championship” Goffle – Michael Anderson
He’s earned a reputation as a perennial regular season stud, but when it comes time for the playoffs, that annual top-3 total points finish is nowhere to be found. A 4-0 start this year will undoubtedly lead down the same road to another 4th place finish. Now I’ve heard rumblings that he’s made his way into this so-called “champions” league. I don’t know what “champions” means? Or if my invite got lost in the mail? But don’t you have to win a league to be considered for this? Maybe it’s a support league for those with gambling problems, where, no matter what your record is, everyone’s a champion! As a rule, I believe any further mention of this sham of a league will result in deducting a win in the GOFFL. When Ande’s season inevitably goes to shit in the playoffs, he can always resort to his fallback: calling out some unwritten loophole in the rules just to ruffle the commish’s feathers and give him an ulcer by age 30.

Also nominated for: The “Toph Says ______” Goffle and The “Degenerate Special” Goffle

Winner: The “Good Good Day” Goffle --- Patrick Gizz (The Goffles for the Commish were presented by Matthew Karalis)

Gizz, Gizz, Gizz, what hath the man juice brought to the GOFFL this season? Why I’ll tell you:
-Firm, strong hammer dropped on Crazynold McFadden (Yes, he creates a union of marriage with his “breakout, sleeper, upside” players) for the trade offer that was accepted, then revoked, then enforced. If only all commissioners could prevent shenanigans in respective leagues.

-Providing a proper organization of draft date, time, food, etc. and the general proceedings running smoothly

-Creating an excellently color-coded spreadsheet for the WFPECCCC

-Designing a large draft board for all owners viewing pleas……SCREEECH….

Hold on a sec, son of a Travis Henry, his Gizzness does not get left off in all his glory….

Winner: The “Bad Bad Day” Goffle ---Patrick Gizz
You sit high atop your mighty throne of commissioning with your large behemoth of a dog nearby dictating rules and code violations of the GOFFL, but what of the violations you have brought to the league. Could it be that the all-powerful, fantasy guru, obsessive, compulsive, insomniatic Gizzerton has angered the Fantasy Football Gods? Why yes, and please allow me to count the ways….

-No one prepares draft boards on poster board – Not flexible enough to stuff in pocket, Gizz is the only GOFFL member that owns rubber cement, 800 sharpies of 30 different colors (he scribed a letter to the Sharpie CEO to create a yellow that is easier on the eyes, and is still awaiting their response) and a T Square.

-Do not awake the hungover members of the GOFFL with rampant text messages and phone calls because Wes Welker is Questionable, allow owners to do their own work/homework……

-Does a Fantasy Football owner force-feed fantasy analysis/knowledge to their Girlfriend, Female Roommate, Fuck Buddyette, Girl that hangs around and takes the dog out and has no commitment to a relationship at all, but is secretly plotting a strategy to trick the Commish into marrying her.

-Does a proper owner spurn a city with sports bars as far as the eye can see with giant projectors and 45 televisions that all have Sunday Ticket?

If only thine Commish’s eyes could be opened to the finer things in life and not draft receivers in the first round and rely fantasy hopes on the likes of Devin Hester and Devery “Bomb every other Game” Henderson, then maybe, the most pristine fantasy owner could be borned into the world.

Also nominated for: The “My Contacts Are Bothering Me” Goffle and The “As Long As Crazy Knows I Know More Than Him About FF, I Can Sleep At Night” Goffle

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Thank you brojobs for tuning in. Please post your acceptance speeches promptly.

Dragging my sack across Crazy's face.

I didn't need my #1 RB or my #1 WR to beat Crazy. Clinched it up by seven and a half going into Monday night. Good god his team is terrible.

True Updated Power Rankings Week 4:

1. Mike Vick in a Box Baby! (True) 3-0 (2) - You got to beat the best to be the best. I'm sure that's how the Bears feel after beating the defending Super Bowl Champs, and that is how I feel after knocking off the #1 ranked team last week. Also, I know ESPN Projections are bullshit, but it feels real good to look at my upcoming matchup with Crazy Jon "Open mouth, insert foot" Iwert and see every single check next to every player on my team... http://games.espn.go.com/ffl/matchuppreview?leagueId=294558&teamId=9&scoringPeriodId=4 I hope that shatters his self confidence.

2. Stump the Schaub (Ande) 3-0 (3) - Anderson has the highest the highest point total after three weeks and is the only other undefeated team. As I mentioned in my first weekly rankings post he also has the most depth of any team. With this week being the beginning of bye weeks, look for him to stay hot due to the ability to plug in bench players for starters and not miss a beat. As one of Ande's favorite rappers, Ludacris would say... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRh0suBcx-A

3. Off Constantly (Roscher) 2-1 (1) - After being dealt his first loss of the season Rosch drops to the 3 spot. He has the third highest point total. Roscher has to be getting more and more nervous about Matt Forte. Forte's matchup against Detroit this week should prove whether or not Roscher should seriously consider not starting Forte if he has a tough matchup. His RB situation is concerning. His WR core still carries the team and is the best in the league.

4. She can just watch us draft (Gizz) 2-1 (5) Gizz moves up a spot with his second consecutive victory. Gizz's only loss was to the #1 power ranked team. Gizz's RBs are also suspect. Kevin Smith is out, Clinton Portis has failed to put up points, and Ahmad Bradshaw is in his starting lineup. Bradshaw has a solid matchup this week, but going forward the RB position is no longer "A Stable of Clydesdale." In past seasons Gizz rode those Clydesdales to playoff runs.

5. Hurricane Ditka (Halbert) 2-1 (9) Halbert gets the biggest jump this week. This has a lot to do with a high point total last week and picking up Glen Coffee on the waiver wire. However, I noticed he is not starting him this week against the Rams, which I found odd. There is still time. Also, as I mentioned in an early power ranking post, Halbert just knows how to get by somehow. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGCJ6dKm-YM

6. Flight of the Neckbeards (Aero) 1-2 (6) Aero had the fortune to face Anderson last week. He still has the fourth highest point total after 3 weeks, however he has the most points against Has a tough match up against Halbert this week. The problem with Aero is he lives or dies by Brees. Chicks dig the long ball.

7. InGoreious Bastards (Edwards) 2-1 (4) Bill is bit by the injury bug again losing Gore for a couple weeks. One of those ankle sprains is tough to come back with. Too bad he didn't have Coffee as his handcuff. Week 1: "K-Ral dropped Coffee" - Gizz "Is that right? I may pick him up..." - Bill. But then... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=305vRNoofr8&feature=PlayList&p=AA81AAC2ED339F58&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=3 Man that was a boof. Coffee could have a couple big games with Gore out due to favorable matchups and they'll ease Gore back in. So from a fantasy perspective this could be longer than two weeks.

8. Forte Oz. to Freedom (Crazy) 1-2 (10) Crazy pulled himself back to respectability with a huge week out of MJD and Pierre Thomas and his first victory. He can't expect 5 tds from those two every week however, so expect his inflated self confidence to come back to earth after facing the #1 team this week. (See link above). Crazy gets Marshawn Lynch back this week. Also, thanks for the Fantasy Baseball check in the mail and the well written note. However, my preferred way of accepting a check is having it enclosed in a Subway napkin first.

9. Five on the Yo (Karalis) 1-2 (11) Karalis moves up with his first victory of the season. Peyton Manning is looking like he will have another great fantasy year with Reggie Wayne catching passes and the lack of a run game in Indy. Also, having Westbrook's handcuff is great for Karalis. You almost want Westbrook to be 100% out so you can get McCoy all the work instead of him getting carries and not being 100%.

10. Whispering Eyes (Vande) 0-3 (8) Poor poor Vande. You gotta feel for the guy. Has yet to win a game but has the fifth most points scored in the league. He is the anti-halbert. Stay strong Vande, you get back Donovan soon and if Kevin Kolb can put up the numbers he did last week on that offense that imagine what Donovan can do. Hang in there, hey... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsaEfFHSheE

11. Front Yard Election Signs (Mugica) 1-2 (7) Mugica has the lowest point total in the league after three weeks by a margin over 10. This is why he takes the greatest dip. He has put up a rough total of 85 points combined in the last two weeks, real ugly. His starting RBs this week belong in AARP not the NFL. His WRs are terrible. This team has dropped fast and doesn't look to be going anywhere soon. Oh wait he gets to face...

12. Powerhouse of Deliverance (Kiwon) 0-3 (12) - Kiwon, you need McGahee to keep it up and Tomlinson to come back strong. Otherwise you are screwed. I think it's time to throw in the towel and start trading players for next year’s draft picks now.